Transparent Aluminum Used To Make Tinfoil Hats

Tinfoil hats, once the protective devices of choice for paranoids and the merely prudent alike, have become little more than a crude joke in recent years. The facts behind these "jokes" are only now coming to light.

The fact of the matter is that the government, the CIA, and the little people who skip gaily between the saucepans in my kitchen cupboards had developed new technologies that made traditional tinfoil hats obsolete. Scientists and engineers, many of whom work for the government, know this to be fact (even if not made public), leading them to use "tinfoil hat" as a term of derision for people who felt that it was possible to protect precious brain matter inexpensively.

However, recent advances in protective technology have resulted in the use of transparent aluminum in these hats.

Science fiction fans will recall that "transparent aluminum" allows visible light to pass, but is an otherwise solid and impermeable barrier. The formula for transparent aluminum was traded for thick plexiglas panels to help whales escape safely into the latter part of the 23rd century in Star Trek IV.

Although the name "transparent aluminum-foil hat" does not have the same kind of catchet as "tinfoil hat", its acronym TAFT (Transparent Aluminum-Foil haT) is in fact the name of our 27th president, a powerful protective symbol for the American people. His average weight while in ofice, 333 pounds, invokes protection from the Masonic order, and wearing two hats doubles his weight to 666, warding off evil of all kinds.

The obvious advantage of transparent alumnium-foil hats over the original tinfoil hats is that you can wear them and not be seen wearing them, even in public. Below are reproduced some pictures of prominent Americans wearing their TAFTs. Note that these photographs have not be doctored or tampered with in any way. The individuals themselves may have been doctored or tampered with, or both, but not their pictures.

As you can see, our nation's political and cultural leaders were the first to outfit themselves with these protective devices. Tinfoil hats made of transparent aluminium, sometimes thought to provide even greater protection, will be made available in the U.K. later this year.

If you feel the immediate need to learn more about TAFTs, or would like to be transported safely into the 23rd century to a culture of universal tolerance and caring, be sure to contact these organizations:

Sypathetic and Caring Metallurgists for a Better World
Our Friend Bauxite
Active Metallic Headgear for your Active Lifestyle

Happy April Fool's day!

Scroll down for more stories in the same category. (Story submitted 4/1/2004)

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